Yesterday I was sawing some shelves for my study (or room or space or anything that doesn’t sound as though I should be studious).  I had to make 10 small shelves – so note to myself, always get the diy store guys to do the cutting in future.

Nearly 30 years ago I took some woodwork classes with a wonderful teacher called Caroline.  It was for new mums and all the kids were looked after in a creche in the next room.  We created wonderful items – bunk beds, boxes, – one woman even made herself a new kitchen.

Anyway back from reminiscing – although I rember Caroline’s wise words ‘let the saw do the work’. During the hot afternoon task I noticed that when I let my body relax and flow with the movement of the saw gently doing its work the cuts were smooth and swift.  When my thoughts took over and I started to niggle away in engagement with them the cuts begain to be jerky, awkward and lengthy.

Sawing is just like anything we do. When we are engaged physically with the simple action of the task we are undertaking in that moment our ride is very often a smooth and satisfying one.  However, when we let the engagement go up into our heads to the multiplicity of thoughts that reside or float through there (eg ‘well she shouldn’t have said that to me’, or ‘if only it wasn’t bloody raining’) our ride becomes jerky and unpleasant.

Well I am so proud of my shelves – and here are some of them!

Today I was with a couple of friends having a coffee after a walk.  We were musing over the decisions that could be made at midlife.  Now are these difficult or are they a delight?  It seems that some of us can recognise that there are many opportunities and choices and just have a go and see what happens.  Others of us are so scared of making the wrong decision that we don’t do anything at all.

It suddenly struck me that we are perhaps the first generation that has this dilemma/opportunity. Whilst we have had the notion and description of midlife for some time it is only relatively recently that we have had an extended midlife and perhaps we are the pioneering generation in this.  It is no longer a getting ready for the downward spiral (no wonder we had crises).  Instead (and much more fun and inspiring) it is a time to completely reinvent ourselves should we so desire.

For me reinvention means reconnecting to that innate sense of well-being, worth and happiness. Recognising that these are not things outside of ourselves to be searched for through what we have and do, but our very essence.  Once we make that reconnection we can choose how we want to be from now on.  Adventurous or Reluctant? Creator or Reactor? Fearless or Fearfull? Owner or Victim?

We do not have to remain stuck in work, relationships, situations, thoughts and beliefs that we may have spent many years creating and no longer desire – and they may well have served their purpose up until now, so we can congratulate ourselves for getting this far!

Have fun taking the plunge into something new.  If you make a mistake then change your mind. There is nothing wrong in making a mistake and changing your mind – the only wrong thing is to stay with the mistake and be miserable for the rest of your life.

This week I had two occasions to return to the notion of yes, no and maybe and the energy we use dashing amongst the three.

In the Sunday Times Style this week there was a little clip from ’self help guru’ (their terminology) Robert Holden asking us what we want to say yes to in 2010.  Only by saying yes says Robert, can we be good at saying no, and avoid overextending ourselves.  Furthermore, not only do we not say no very well, but worse than that, we say maybe – and that is exhausting.

Yes and no represent clarity – a decision made, result!  Maybe represents….. well maybe, which means we keep revisiting it, burying it and then digging it up, mulling it over etc all of which is both time consuming and tiring.

I was also sent a video clip of Michael Neill which I watched straight away – well who wouldn’t?  Michael has been my teacher and coach and I can hang on his every word drooling (something I might add that he actively discourages).  As part of this clip he talks about yes, no and maybe.  He suggests we take maybe as ‘no for now’, which of course brings clarity – a decision made, result!

The full video clip of Michael can be found here

So when you have a pile of options get a piece of paper and write 3 headings – yes, no and maybe.  (As Byron Katie wisely says, ‘out of the head and onto paper!’)  Once you have your 3 lists you know that for now you only have to work with the yeses.  You can decide to revisit the maybes in a couple of months or so.  A short exercise that gives a huge amount of time and energy back to you.

Now I have studied a little bit about fear – I am a member of Club Fearless with the fab Steve Chandler for goodness sake! www.clubfearless.net

I used to be an athlete – in school hockey and netball teams and captain of swimming.  I could climb a rope and throw an object as fast and as far any.  Whilst I have been looking at fear in midlife and how it can cause paralysis and prevent us from moving forward in so many areas of our lives – I had not quite considered how it was affecting me physically until this morning.

I have recently joined a yoga class where there is a lot of time spent upside down (one way or another) and I have always made various excuses of – well my arms are not as strong as they used to be, or I don’t have the spring that I used to have (just listen to me….).  Well this morning I said to the teacher that I thought it was perhaps fear that holds us back (visions of neck braces and crutches) and she gave me a knowing look and said…. ‘Well it is for you!’

Hmm well that hit me between the eyes for sure and I decided then and there ‘what the heck?’ and promptly spent the next 10 minutes in a head stand position.  Guess what my head did not explode, my neck is not broken (instead rather nicely supple) and I have a wonderful sense of achievement.

So I say folks – let’s get physical.  Get our bodies working in fearless ways and our minds are sure to follow.

Set yourself a physical challenge and your mind will shout ‘yippee I’m in for the ride!’

Have fun – of course I am not advocating any unsafe behaviour – and get physical.

As we approach the end of the year we often look forward to how different the next year will be and we busily start making New Year’s Resolutions.

How much time do we spend clearing out the ‘stuff’ we don’t want to make room for something different?

Expecting the new to surge in without clearing out the old just blocks the flow and the energy.  There is just no room.

For the rest of this month I am going to post some suggestions of what we might like to clear out and today I am going to start with something simple – I am not going to ask you to do anything I haven’t completed myself!

What does your wardrobe look like?  And your drawers? And your cupboards?

If your wardrobe looks anything like mine it contains clothes you love and wear lots and lots.  It also contains items that don’t fit anymore, or get worn once in a blue moon or you wear to slob around the house and garden.  Elasticated waists for those not so good days – any of those lurking in the dark recesses? Items you ought to wear because you had that crazy retail therapy day way back when – any of those?

What happens when we hang on to those clothes is that we also hang on to the bad thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with them.  And we know that when we hang on to those we also hang on to the resulting behaviours.  If every time we open the wardrobe door we see guilt (I spent all that money), or sadness (I used to fit into that), or frustration (I feel so frumpy wearing this) it can drive us straight to the shops, the fridge and bread bin …… and so the cycle continues.

The saying goes that we can apply the good old Pareto Principle to most things … so we wear 20% of our clothes 80% of the time and ……. 80% of our clothes 20% of the time.  Here is a challenge – get rid of the 80%!  Just imagine opening the wardrobe door and loving everything you see?  It all fits, it all makes you feel good whatever you are doing today.

So here is the method

• Take everything out of your wardrobe and sort into 4 piles

1. Stuff you love, fits, makes you feel good when you wear it
2. Stuff that no longer fits
3. Stuff that is past its best
4. Stuff that you never wear because well….. well you know…..

• Put stuff from pile 1 (and only pile 1) back in the wardrobe
• Remove the rest – either put it away (and no not in another wardrobe) and review in 6 months or take it straight to the charity shop or recycle bin.

Whilst it seems harsh believe me it is worth it.  Along with the clothing stuff go the emotional stuff and the behavioural stuff.  And what is left is room …. room for new energy, new thoughts, feeling and emotions, and new behaviours…… and of course some new clothes!

I was driving along – feeling the pain of my three children seemingly all spreading their wings and flying the nest at the same time. How very dare they leave and think they can live happily and independently – where did I go wrong?

Then this song came on the radio – sung by Neil Young and as I listened to the words they were of tremendous comfort – and acted as the catalyst for the necessary mindshift.

Four strong winds that blow lonely 
Seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change
Come what may

Whatever happens in our shifting personal world there is evidence of certainty wherever we care to look. The sun rises in the sky every morning to bring on a new day. On sunny days we see it and we delight in it. On cloudy days the sun is still there we haven’t lost it, we just can’t see it today. It will be back tomorrow or the next day. Meanwhile we can accept that it is cloudy.

It is the same when we think sad thoughts and feel sad emotions. Our happiness is still there (behind the clouds) we just can’t see it today. It will be back tomorrow or the next day. Meanwhile we can accept that we have some sad thoughts today.

Anyway my children are all in their 20s and fine human beings going out to make their difference in the world and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am just having a few cloudy days missing them….. dreadfully.

Neil Young singing Four Strong Winds

I was musing over an article in the Sunday Times Magazine this week entitled ‘Sitting Pretty in the Recession’ (and you can read the full article here). http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/career_and_jobs/article6627011.ece

Fran Murphy lost her property firm and luxury lifestyle, but in her own words – found herself. Fran lived in a one million pound mansion, drove an eighty thousand pound Porsche and thought nothing of spending three thousand pounds in Selfridges. She was making fifty – sixty thousand pounds a month and spending it just as quickly. She described herself as arrogant and a bit of a bitch with a certain cockiness that came with looking down on people. Fran says she never wants to be that person again.

When the property market collapsed, she lost her business overnight and continued to spend in the same old way, until she had to recognise the debt and sell all the luxuries. Fran now volunteers at a Citizen’s Advice Bureau and is a single mum to Olivia aged three. ‘We’re so happy.’ She says. ‘I feel really lucky I’ve got the chance to spend time with my daughter. It has been hell – I’ve been stood in Tesco counting out 2p pieces to buy bread and milk, and gone from driving around in a top of the range Range Rover to scrabbling around for the bus fare. But now I see what’s important. I’ve found out who I am. You can have all the money in the world, but the things that make you happy, you can’t buy.’

I am sure there are many stories like Fran’s at the present time. For Fran it seems to have ended happily – and I wonder if this is always the case. What Fran has discovered is the power of living inside-out rather than outside-in. She realises that the ‘stuff’ out there is just things that we have and do – and like the rest of us often think (and encouraged to believe) we need the ‘stuff’ to create inner happiness and contentment.

Once we reconnect with our innate state of wellbeing – and I bet Fran saw it in Olivia when she was born – we see that happiness, love and contentment are decisions to ‘be’ or ‘return to’ rather than created by the things we ‘have’ and ‘do’. Yes having ‘stuff’ can be fun, and doing ‘stuff’ can create so much good in the world – and our happiness does not depend on it. As my coach the supercoach Michael Neill (www.geniuscatalyst.com) says ‘what we want is inner peace and a nice piece of real estate overlooking the ocean’. He also asks one of the best questions I have heard.

‘What would you want if you didn’t have to be unhappy about not getting it?’

Yes you have to read it once or twice!

My bet is that Fran goes on to create new wealth knowing that her happiness does not depend on it – and will teach Olivia the same.

When I meet new people, say at a party and they discover I work as a coach – and sometimes even with people I know well, I often get the request to ‘sort out’ a wife, husband, partner, son, daughter, boss (add whoever else you fancy here … mother in law, dog, cat, hamster. Not that I am suggesting that mothers in law or any other in laws should be likened to hamsters!)

Of course this is sometimes a joke over a glass or several of pinot grigio – although there is often a desperate look behind the eyes. I wonder how much time we spend thinking, talking and gossiping with others around such notions as ‘well if it weren’t for Fred my life would be perfect’, or ‘I would be really happy if only Freda would change this or that behaviour?’

One of the wisest, kindest and funniest women I have had the pleasure to see in action is Byron Katie (find more at www.thework.com and I truly recommend tuning into some of the short videos available on her site and youtube). Katie says ‘I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours and God’s (For me the word God means “reality” because it rules and is out of my control, your control and everyone else’s control). Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, “You need to get a job, I want you to be happy, you should be on time,” I am in your business. When I’m worried about earthquakes, floods, war, or when I will die, I am in God’s business.’

Katie describes ‘war breaking out’ inside ourselves (ie stress) when we are outside of our own business – busy knowing what is best for everyone and anything else. Instead our business is with knowing ‘what is right for me’. If someone (we want to fix!) is living their life and we are mentally living their life, who is here living ours? We have become separate from ourselves whilst wondering why our lives aren’t working.

As Katie explains, when we understand the three kinds of business enough to stay in our own business it can and will free our lives in ways that we can’t yet even imagine. And when we start feeling stressed or miserable or uncomfortable, just pause and consider whose business we are in mentally – bet it’s not ours!

So to delve a little deeper, ask yourself ‘who am I trying to fix?’ or in other words ‘whose business am I mentally in?’ and then answer Katie’s four simple and very revealing questions.

For example ‘If only my boss would take me more seriously I would achieve more at work’ or ‘My daughter really shouldn’t be mixing with that particular person – they are a bad influence on her’

1 Is that true?

2 Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3 How do you react when you think that thought? What do you think and feel, and how do you behave? How do you treat yourself and others?

4 Who would you be without the thought? Go on imagine it – how would you think and feel differently and how differently would you behave? How differently would you treat yourself and others?

And when I am asked to ‘sort out’ the person someone else wants to fix, I always smile and say yes of course get them to call me. They very rarely call because it is very rarely them that want to make the changes……

This week I am continuing with the themes within the book the Big Leap – Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks. (www.hendricks.com)

Our relationships with such things as time and money are of interest to me as a coach as they often appear to create stress for people. It is not money or time per se that is the issue, rather the ‘I don’t have time…. and ‘if only I had more money….’ thoughts and stories and our reactions to them (!) that create the problems. And if you are in the business of swapping your time for someone else’s money (or vice versa) what a minefield that can be!

Gay Hendricks found that when he discovered the secret of Einstein Time he worked half as much and got at least twice as much done. Well if that intrigues you half as much as it intrigued me we are all half way there – as following our curiosity is one of the best ways I know of expanding our growth, knowledge and experience.

The Newtonian paradigm of time (the old way) suggests that there is only a finite amount of time, assumes there is a scarcity of time and that it must be carefully portioned in order for us to have enough for all we need to do. This guarantees we will always have a problem with time – too much as when we have ‘time on our hands’ or are ‘twiddling our thumbs’ or too little when we are ‘running out of time’ or ‘have no time at all’. Furthermore we then lurch from one uncomfortable feeling of being bored out of our skulls to another uncomfortable feeling of chasing our tails to stand still.

Now just as we will never have enough money to buy all the things we don’t really need, says Gay, we will never have enough time to do all the things we don’t really want to do. To make the shift from Newtonian Time to Einstein Time we have to take full ownership of time – and our lives – and recognise we are the source of time and in Gay’s words ‘since I am the producer of time, I can make as much of it as I need’. The magical breakthrough is that we then become the creator of time rather than the victim of time – and no longer being and feeling at the mercy of a ‘me versus time’ conundrum is a very liberating experience.

It is so easy to say ‘I don’t have time to do that right now’ when we mean ‘I don’t really want to do that right now’ (even when we do not yet realise the truth of what we are saying). It is polite and socially acceptable. However, we are not being honest with ourselves and we perpetuate that victim role for ourselves – always reacting to the notion of the scarcity of time. Now it may not be useful to say the honest thing out loud – it can get us fired, cause rows with our spouse and lose us our friends, but let’s at least be honest with ourselves.

How many of your conversations during the day focus on complaining about time?

‘sorry haven’t got time to chat now – will catch you later’

‘wish there more hours in the day’

‘where did the time go?’

‘if only I went to bed earlier’

All theses statements put time out there rather than in here and we all know that when we chase out there to make us feel good in here it doesn’t work.

Gay Hendrick’s invitation which I pass on to you now is to notice these ‘time complaining conversations’ – whether they pass out of your mouth or just through your mind. He suggests that by eliminating them one by one we will find ourselves growing steadily less busy while getting a great deal more done. I would like to add that sometimes just being aware of those dodgy conversations we have with ourselves lessens their impact – just smile and thank them for sharing……..

See you next week and hope you make time to join me!

It is not often that I pick up a book – and then literally not be able to put it down until I finish it.  Well last Sunday I spent the whole morning devouring The Big Leap – conquer your fear and take life to the next level by Gay Hendricks.  (find out more at www.hendricks.com)

Those who know me are probably aware that I am not the kind of coach who thinks I am somehow separate from what we are all about –  reconnecting with our own innate happiness and well-being, and unfolding all those riches (in all their forms) we would love to create and enjoy.  I am in there with you.  There is no way I am already magically ‘cured’, think the rest of you need to be cured – and heaven forbid know just how to cure you!

Anyway back to the story. One of the themes in Gay’s book is the Upper Limit Problem and describes it in the following way:

When you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success.

This is about all those little thermostats that we have which are set quite early on in life and set quite unconsciously in response to our view of the world around us – whether it be about how happy we can be, how fit and healthy we can be, what level of career ambition we can achieve, how much money we can earn, how much we can be loved etc.  When we get to those upper limits – the thermostat setting is reached and we somehow scupper ourselves.  Just like when the central heating system reaches a thermostatically controlled temperature – something kicks in and tells the boiler to turn down or off (or something like that, I am not a heating engineer…)

Just this week my husband and I spent the afternoon visiting a farm where my mother and brother had lived before I was born.  We poured over old photos (the farm is now a museum dedicated to some artists) and had tea with the owner who remembered my mother and brother.  The sun was shining, the countryside beautiful and the whole afternoon was idyllic – and a very happy experience.  I arrived home relaxed and at peace with the world until I checked my email, where I found one that I could (and did) spend the rest of the evening gnawing at like the proverbial bone – the meaning, the tone etc etc etc.  (There is always one isn’t there?), ruining my wonderful peaceful contentment.  Well I had reached my Upper Limit in happiness and tranquillity, so went and found that email – I didn’t have to check my email at that time of day……

Hendricks explains how we develop barriers as a result of those thermostat settings which lead to the scuppering and the self sabotage.  Here are the four he describes:

• The false belief that we are fundamentally flawed in some way.  If we carry this feeling within us, we sabotage our success because we think we’re essentially bad.  If something good happens, we must mess up – good things can’t happen to bad people.
• The false belief that by succeeding, we are being disloyal to and leaving behind people in our past.  If we harbour this feeling within us we sabotage our success because we think it’s disloyal to our roots to soar too far into the stratosphere.
• The false belief that we are a burden in the world. If we carry this feeling inside us, we sabotage our success so that we won’t be a bigger burden.
• The false belief that we must dim the bright lights of our brilliance so that we won’t outshine someone in our past.  If we hold this feeling inside us, we tend to hold ourselves back from expressing our full genius.

Realising and understanding our own personal barrier or barriers, enables us to release them, turn our thermostats to higher settings and let the temperature rise!

For me it was the first one – I wonder which one you think yours might be?  (You are allowed more than one by the way.)  Here are some things which you might like to ponder on the next time you suddenly find your thoughts feelings and actions taking a dive just when things seem to be going so well – or preferably before that happens………….

• How high are your thermostats set for happiness, love, success, money etc?
• How do you self sabotage or scupper yourself once you reach your Upper Limit?
• What barrier or barriers might you have developed?
• Once you realise the barriers and see them fall away – how high do you want to reset those thermostats?

I for one will no longer be checking email in the evening – so catch me earlier in the day if you want me to worry about the tone, the meaning……..