Well maybe there is a different view.  Last night I was party to a great conversation with Michael Neill and my fellow advanced trackers in Supercoach Academy.  What if we set goals as a motivational tool to somehow, someway make us do those things that we think we ought to do, should do and yet really have no desire to do?  And maybe when we fail our natural wisdom is just winning through in a ‘no way Jose’ type thing?  That to me is a very comforting thought.

We all have experience of when we just want to do something we just go and do it.  We don’t have to set a goal and take action steps, instead we show up and do what needs doing.  It is natural and does not require a bunch of thinking, self-motivation, self-discipline, confidence and goodness knows what else.

So let’s get honest with ourselves and see what comes from desire (we just go do it) and what comes from ought, should, that would look good (we set a goal).

Let’s end with a great thing Michael said (and this made me sleep really well)

‘If I don’t want to I won’t. If I really have to then I will.’  Simples!

She said the battle to be able to allowed to do it was harder than the voyage itself.

What makes a young woman want to sail around the world all on her own?  What enables her to stick to her determination to do it?

Laura describes her love of sailing – and first sailed solo at the age of six.  And she says ‘At sea I feel comfortable and I come to rest’.  Even more insightful for one so young (although she may not of course realise the metaphor for life she is using), she says  ”Sometimes I try [to] adjust the sails to make us go faster, but mostly I simply enjoy the endless silky blue ocean and the quiet peace that it brings”

I wonder if she is still wonderfully connected to that innate sense of curiosity and sense of adventure that we all come into the world with.  Most of us have forgotten much of it by the time we are 16 until we take the time to remember it.

Stay connected Laura.

Picasso hesitates for a moment and asks, ‘So what do you think reality looks like?’

The man grabs his wallet and pulls out a picture of his wife.  ’Here, like this.  It’s my wife.

Picasso takes the photograph, looks at it, and grins.  ’Really? She’s very small and very flat too.’

taken from Linchpin by Seth Godin

What struck me during this was the notion of ‘worrying thoughts’.  Now we are used to the feeling of having worrying thoughts where the actual thoughts have a worrying nature.  For example ‘what will happen if I don’t earn more money this month, make that deadline, meet the love of my life? (please do fill in your own favourite worrying thought)’

However, it suddenly occurred to me that what Michael was referring to was the notion of worrying thoughts – where the worrying is a verb rather than a noun or an adjective as in the previous example.  In this case we take a thought and worry it – like a dog worries a bone.  We shake it about, bury it and then dig it up, we sleep (or stay awake) with it and carry it around with us wherever we go.  Just as the dog loves to chew on its bone – we somehow seem to love to chew and chew on a particular thought – even (especially) when it is not a pleasant thought.  We all do it – it seems to be a human thing to do.

The difference is that in the first instance we are just noticing a thought as it passes through our minds like the clouds pass across the sky in a sort of ‘ooh that is a worrying one, oh but it is gone and here comes another happy one’ way.  In the second instance however, we reach up and catch it (still with the clouds here ) and drag it down to earth so that we can attach ourselves to it hook, line and sinker.  And then we wonder why we are experiencing such a crappy time.  Well that thought we are so busy worrying has got its brush out and painted a picture where everything is viewed from that thought frame.  So everything looks cloudy and we can no longer see the sun  (which is always there by the way, shining away behind any cloud).

Now the good news is that there is nothing to do.  Indeed the thing to do is nothing.  When we consciously slow down, rest easy and read a book, watch a film, bake a cake (my favourite) we find it all passes.  No analysis needed (more worrying of the thought) and no great discussion needed (ooh let’s worry it even more).   We just don’t notice that particular bone (or cloud – and apologies for any confusing metaphors) anymore.  And thoughts that don’t get overly noticed can’t get worried.

Coincidentally I had a message today from a friend in New Zealand saying it was the first day of spring for them and they are winding up for summer.  Wow a whole different energy going on in the Southern Hemisphere!

That turned my thinking to energy and reminded me of a great little energy audit given to me by Clarence Thomson recently.   From time to time I find it useful to have clear-outs. Whether it is the wardrobe or the fridge (both tend to have strange items lurking at the back) or deeper things such as where and how I am depleting my energy.  There are so many things that can lurk there believe me!

So, using the table below – just sketch it on a piece of paper, or even in your mind’s eye – pop in the persons, places and things that bring you energy and those that deplete your energy.  And what you do from there is entirely up to you…..

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

These are the opening lines of a book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer which she wrote after coming home from a party of dissatisfying small talk.  A girl after my own heart – how many meaningful conversations do we have at a party?  During our day?  In our week?

Meaningful conversations are where we meet each other, hear each other and acknowledge each other as living, loving human beings.  So let’s go have some!

Nearly 30 years ago I took some woodwork classes with a wonderful teacher called Caroline.  It was for new mums and all the kids were looked after in a creche in the next room.  We created wonderful items – bunk beds, boxes, – one woman even made herself a new kitchen.

Anyway back from reminiscing – although I rember Caroline’s wise words ‘let the saw do the work’. During the hot afternoon task I noticed that when I let my body relax and flow with the movement of the saw gently doing its work the cuts were smooth and swift.  When my thoughts took over and I started to niggle away in engagement with them the cuts begain to be jerky, awkward and lengthy.

Sawing is just like anything we do. When we are engaged physically with the simple action of the task we are undertaking in that moment our ride is very often a smooth and satisfying one.  However, when we let the engagement go up into our heads to the multiplicity of thoughts that reside or float through there (eg ‘well she shouldn’t have said that to me’, or ‘if only it wasn’t bloody raining’) our ride becomes jerky and unpleasant.

Well I am so proud of my shelves – and here are some of them!

]]> http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/04/go-with-the-flow-or-let-the-saw-do-the-work/feed/ 1 http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/04/taking-the-plunge/ http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/04/taking-the-plunge/#comments Wed, 14 Apr 2010 16:26:43 +0000 Anne Scott http://www.newmidlife.com/?p=154 Today I was with a couple of friends having a coffee after a walk.  We were musing over the decisions that could be made at midlife.  Now are these difficult or are they a delight?  It seems that some of us can recognise that there are many opportunities and choices and just have a go and see what happens.  Others of us are so scared of making the wrong decision that we don’t do anything at all.

It suddenly struck me that we are perhaps the first generation that has this dilemma/opportunity. Whilst we have had the notion and description of midlife for some time it is only relatively recently that we have had an extended midlife and perhaps we are the pioneering generation in this.  It is no longer a getting ready for the downward spiral (no wonder we had crises).  Instead (and much more fun and inspiring) it is a time to completely reinvent ourselves should we so desire.

For me reinvention means reconnecting to that innate sense of well-being, worth and happiness. Recognising that these are not things outside of ourselves to be searched for through what we have and do, but our very essence.  Once we make that reconnection we can choose how we want to be from now on.  Adventurous or Reluctant? Creator or Reactor? Fearless or Fearfull? Owner or Victim?

We do not have to remain stuck in work, relationships, situations, thoughts and beliefs that we may have spent many years creating and no longer desire – and they may well have served their purpose up until now, so we can congratulate ourselves for getting this far!

Have fun taking the plunge into something new.  If you make a mistake then change your mind. There is nothing wrong in making a mistake and changing your mind – the only wrong thing is to stay with the mistake and be miserable for the rest of your life.

]]> http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/04/taking-the-plunge/feed/ 0 http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/03/yes-no-and-maybe/ http://www.newmidlife.com/2010/03/yes-no-and-maybe/#comments Wed, 31 Mar 2010 14:19:47 +0000 Anne Scott http://www.newmidlife.com/?p=140 This week I had two occasions to return to the notion of yes, no and maybe and the energy we use dashing amongst the three.

In the Sunday Times Style this week there was a little clip from ‘self help guru’ (their terminology) Robert Holden asking us what we want to say yes to in 2010.  Only by saying yes says Robert, can we be good at saying no, and avoid overextending ourselves.  Furthermore, not only do we not say no very well, but worse than that, we say maybe – and that is exhausting.

Yes and no represent clarity – a decision made, result!  Maybe represents….. well maybe, which means we keep revisiting it, burying it and then digging it up, mulling it over etc all of which is both time consuming and tiring.

I was also sent a video clip of Michael Neill which I watched straight away – well who wouldn’t?  Michael has been my teacher and coach and I can hang on his every word drooling (something I might add that he actively discourages).  As part of this clip he talks about yes, no and maybe.  He suggests we take maybe as ‘no for now’, which of course brings clarity – a decision made, result!

The full video clip of Michael can be found here

So when you have a pile of options get a piece of paper and write 3 headings – yes, no and maybe.  (As Byron Katie wisely says, ‘out of the head and onto paper!’)  Once you have your 3 lists you know that for now you only have to work with the yeses.  You can decide to revisit the maybes in a couple of months or so.  A short exercise that gives a huge amount of time and energy back to you.

I used to be an athlete – in school hockey and netball teams and captain of swimming.  I could climb a rope and throw an object as fast and as far any.  Whilst I have been looking at fear in midlife and how it can cause paralysis and prevent us from moving forward in so many areas of our lives – I had not quite considered how it was affecting me physically until this morning.

I have recently joined a yoga class where there is a lot of time spent upside down (one way or another) and I have always made various excuses of – well my arms are not as strong as they used to be, or I don’t have the spring that I used to have (just listen to me….).  Well this morning I said to the teacher that I thought it was perhaps fear that holds us back (visions of neck braces and crutches) and she gave me a knowing look and said…. ‘Well it is for you!’

Hmm well that hit me between the eyes for sure and I decided then and there ‘what the heck?’ and promptly spent the next 10 minutes in a head stand position.  Guess what my head did not explode, my neck is not broken (instead rather nicely supple) and I have a wonderful sense of achievement.

So I say folks – let’s get physical.  Get our bodies working in fearless ways and our minds are sure to follow.

Set yourself a physical challenge and your mind will shout ‘yippee I’m in for the ride!’

Have fun – of course I am not advocating any unsafe behaviour – and get physical.